Boy, Oh Boy

I don't know how it feels to suffer.

For all I've ever known is the joy of life.

I've made my share of mistakes, gotten lost in hearts I don't belong.

Shown the bad side of what I call love.

Caused permanent scars on the lives of others.

But who am I to change what I've done.

When after it ended, I didn't feel a thing.

Was it because I was afraid to see? Afraid to feel? Afraid of it all?

Not quite sure which one stained the walls.

But black tainted all the pureness that I had.

It left me crying numb tears which I couldn't feel.

Left my heart alone in agonizing pain which I felt no more.

My own personal anesthetic was made.

Immune to suffer and feel not a shred of pain.

How did I know I wasn't dead?

I feared streets for thoughts of suicide kept me going.

Seeing how every object could kill me in a different way.

I made a game out of it.

Which one thing can cause me the most pain?

Feeling alive only through the touch of existence.

I tied myself down to material possessions.

Whether I may be real or not depends not on me.

But on how alive you can make me feel.

Be it through touch, breaking my heart, causing me pain or making me smile, it's a game for life.

For a life that has never suffered.

Through mere heartbreak and shame, I've caused a war inside my head.

A war where neither side can ever win.

I was guilty of my actions, and of regret I could never feel.

But surely it can still go right.

I believe enough that you'll pull me through.

I believe that you are my love.

So prove me right and make me feel alive.

Okay.. So that's the best way I can write my problem because actually describing it embarrasses me. But either way... Simply saying it would be.. I don't know whether I actually exist or not.. I'm scared of knowing that maybe I'm not real or that I'm just a soul wondering. That's why I demand a lot of touch in my life right now. I usually make sure one part of my body touched a person around me or that I'm either spinning a pencil in my hands. Since a pencil is a material, it must surely mean I'm alive right? Well I hope it does but yeah.. That's a minor problem in my life.. Or kinda big actually. Haha. It affects me daily so yeah... Good thing I always have my pencil in school. Heh. But thank you for paying attention to my lame problem!

Now I'm going to eat! Bye!

P.s. I beat all of New Super Mario Bros. Wii. 100%! :D

Lovely Image, Picture Perfect

Before I get to the thing I wanted to talk about yesterday, I'm going to write a short thing I wrote at 11 P.M. So please enjoy and have fun reading. Haha.

Pasted on the grin of a half dead girl.

Staring at me with lost eyes.

Asking me, "Are you alive?"

The problems of life are like a simply disease.

Give me a shot and they all go away.

Feed me some pills and I'll go away.

I fear to be true but truth fears us too.

Who can we trust when we're alone in the streets.

Roaming and searching with silhouettes on our trails.

We could've been forgotten, or worse we may are already be.

I can't look back, the life that we led was printed on leaves.

Then Autumn came and took all our dreams.

If I could, I would've tried to cry.

But tears wouldn't flow and my body couldn't move.

I left it all behind.

And there was no going back.

I had to tell the girl,

"No. I'm dying at last.

Goodnite."

Now... My friend Andrew is coming over for a while. And well.. Imma just spend some time chilling. After that, I'll write my problem which I wrote as a poem. It was easier to do it that way. Soo.. Be patient and wait people.! It'll come soon. Bye for now.

Let's Talk Honey.

You know.. I've been thinking a lot about what I talked about with Maria one day and now I am going to say it! :D You see.. I have a problem which is honestly rather lame but it's something that affects me a lot. I'm sure it's probably just a temporary problem that will go away as I grow up and gain more experience in life. But as for now, it deeply affects my everyday life and every moment of it.. But it's 10 and I have to go to school tomorrow. So I won't say it now to make it all much more exciting. I have a reason to how it all started and everything so I'll write it all down tomorrow!

Goodnite! :D

The Carnival Of Learning

So I have no blogged in two or something days. I've been wanting to but I was too lazy. Haha. So... In order to repay for that, I wrote something. Yay! Well it's not good or anything but I had fun writing it. I've noticed my most recent theme has been.. Brutal. Or that's what Bryant says. Haha. But in other words, go read read and enjoy. If you don't like it, well go masturbate or something you fucken whores. <3

Hey darling, how does it feel to have a broken heart?

It's painful, sitting on the floor crying.

Sitting and waiting to see who picks you up.

But sadly, I'm the only one here.

But sadly, your tears just make me laugh.

Was this a useless attempt at love?

You did so wrong, how could you have expected it to go right.

Your heart couldn't beat.

Your heart couldn't feel the warm romance.

You're a tool of love.

Forgotten and misused.

Easily abandoned and abused.

"You lustful, call my name, make me feel worse.

Tell me what I am, call me as you please."

A broken body laying on the floor.

A misused body hungry for some loving.

Shaking at the thoughts of your conscious, the shameful acts.

You're guilty of it all, but love the role.

In a story line, you're just what everyones wants.

You're what we all desire.

The one who smiles when their sad.

The one who feels not a single tear when they cry.

You're a disaster walking. A plague running.

You're a searcher of love.

But face it, you're way over your head.

You're not enough and never will be.

Why not just crawl back to the hole I found you in.

Face it love, you're better of dead.

I swear.. I give the crappiest titles. Haha. This is called the Carnival of Learning when it has to do with nothing. Haha! Well either way.. Yesterday I bought some make up. Got eyeliner, and purple eye shadow, which looks bad ass by the way. Haha. But that was about it!

Some girl at church is funny and incredibly shy. At the end of the class she said bye to me and I waved bye and smiled at her. Then I feel something tug my shirt and I turn but I see no one so I ignore it and start going up the stairs. I feel the tug again and I turn.. Again. I look down and the little shy girl was there. Haha. She is so small.. It's funny. But she waves bye again.. And I got confused.. She waved by already.. So I tell her to hug me and she smiles and hugs me. I'm guessing she was looking for some hugs. Haha! But she had lots of make up on her face. Well not really.. Just a shit load of blush. And mascara. And her pin or something poked my neck and it hurt. But the point of this is.. I want to use blush too.. It must look so nice to have pink cheeks. But I never will.. Until I live alone so my dad doesn't bitch at me. Haha. But then Samantha won't let me.. Damn it.!

Ahh.. But after church I did nothing but wait for my mommy. I was with some girl, her name is Amanda and her sister, Marilyn, or Madeline, or something. Haha. I forgot her name... Then my mommy came and I was heading to the car. And the little shy girl kept staring at me cause she was waiting for her parents I guess. She scared me afterwards. But it was fun! When I got in the car I started rocking out to Asking Alexandria. All of you must hear that band. It's like an orgasm in your ears. Haha. Eww... But seriously! They are good.. I love all their songs, they are super catchy.

Ahhhh! I forgot! The reason I wrote my poem thingy or whatever was because.. Well I don't know? Haha. At first I wrote because I thought about a guy bitch slapping some chick because I was watching some movie. But after that I got off topic and I have no idea what I was writing about. I just wanted to make it sound cruel. Which I hope I did.. If not. I have to try harder! And that is the end of this blog. Goodbye people.

P.s. The movie I watched was so cool!

P.s.s. I would've liked to live during the Great Depression. They had such coool clothes.

P.s.s.s Hitting women is wrong! Super duper muper WRONG!

P.s.s.s.s. Unless they want it.. Like playing dirty games where you tie up a girl and slap her. O.o

P.s.s.s.s.s. I have NO psychological problems.. NONE Okay!?

P.s.s.s.s.s.s. Okay.. Maybe just one or four. But we can let that slide. :D

P.s.s.s.s.s.s.s. If I ever cosplay.. I am so doing L. That man is a pure orgasm. O.o

Woah.. What A Bitch.

Okay, So lets start with how the day was! School Sucked. Haha. I did nothing and during lunch, I spend the whole time alone. Which was honestly about 25 minutes in silence which I honestly enjoy. Haha. But after that I went outside to wait for my mom and she was twenty minutes late. I don't mind that but while I was waiting I was.. Well.. Waiting. Haha. But some girl comes and starts talking to me. She was Ellide.. Some girl in my class who apparently knows about what I did.

So she comes and starts taking to me and asks me if I have talked to Sharon recently. I haven't so I say no. Then she asks why I broke up with her. I didn't want to give anything away so I take a few seconds to answer and simply say that I didn't like her. Then she tells me if it was also because I cheated on her. I was honestly caught by surprise and I kinda snickered. I told her in a low casual tone, "Yes." She looks at me shocked and say, "Daammnn.. That's such a bitch. And You say it so normal. Like it doesn't even matter." And she stares at me.. I had nothing to say. I laughed. I would have cried laughing if she wasn't there. But I didn't. I just smile at her and say "Well how should I say it?" She looks at me with an even more shocked face. She moves her hands as if she were saying never mind, or just forget it. She asked if I missed her. I didn't know what to say.. I looked at the sky and thought about it for a while. I nodded my head up and down, "Yeah.." She looked at me and nodded her head too. She said that if I cheated on her with my ex. I said yes. She that it was such a horrible thing to do because it makes the girl feel like if she isn't worth it. She was going to say something else but I interrupted her and said, "No. She was worth a lot. She is worth everything." Then she asked why I cheated on her if I thought she was worth it. I said, "Because the person I love is my everything. I couldn't possibly love Sharon that way.. Not ever.." She looks at me and says.. "What a bitch man.." Then she turns to some guy and asks him if he knew who Sharon was. He says yeah. Then she tells him that I cheated on her with my ex. He looks at me surprised and nods his head in disappointment. I smile at him and tell him in a confident voice, "Yes. I did. I can even say it with a smile on my face." I smile at him and say, "I cheated on Sharon with my ex." I smiled at Ellide. And my mom came as soon as I finished smiling. I told Ellide it was nice talking to her. I left.

Now that was a pleasant way to end school. With bitter sweet memories. Haha. I honestly don't know what bitter sweet means, Oh well. And after that.. I don't know what I've been thinking. It feels like I'm not thinking at all.. Even as I'm typing, my hands feel numb. I can't feel the keyboard on my fingers. And well.. I'm not honestly all that giddy today. I kinda just want to sleep the day away. Or.. I don't know. Just something in which I can be alone. Heh. But oh well.. I know I can't be alone. And that is all for this blog! Enjoy people!

P.s. I'm an A**hole! Hah!

Wondering

In the state of an absent mind.

I toss and turn to look for what I can find.

I look to the right and see the sky blue.

Wondering, why can't I be with you.

With boredom strong in my eyes.

You're sitting with them and having a laugh.

In silence I stare, looking for what's fair.

Wondering, why can't I be with you, in my deep blues.

I sigh and I noticed I'm all alone.

Maybe I should smile and go for a better tone.

The sky has turned gray and I'm here to stay.

The clouds are full of sorrow, but it seems they won't shower.

Maybe I'm just sad, I'm the only one showing this sight.

The flowers are torn and I know I could've sworn.

That they were about to cry but instead, they stayed dry.

There's an uproar in the sky, maybe now, they'll start to cry.

I sit here alone, waiting for the broom.

I'll sweep everything away and leave this room.

Now that I'm outside, in this gray blue.

I'm wondering why can't I just be there with you.

Now that I'm alone, I'll sing to dark stars.

That I am in love with you, even when you're far.

I wrote this A long time ago.. Probably one year ago exactly. Or less. Haha. But I remember this day like if it was the back of my hand. I was sitting alone in math class.. Just looking around and I remember seeing outside and it was all blue. Then it goes gray a second later.. Ahh.. It was blissful. I love days when I feel like that. Haha.

Ahh.. Well this is the last blog for today. I'm only going to do one more thing which Maria Recommended me to do. This is because I have problems. Yay! Haha. :D And everday I blog, Imma do this. I'm going to write one thing that made me feel alive. Haha. And here goes..

Today I typed and communicated with Maria about myself. I'm alive.

Ahh.. I feel like a gay psychopath. Haha. But yess! Goodnite world! Bye bye.

Be A Screamer Or A lover

I'll remember this one day.

The Sleepless night and the time we lost.

Our lungs filled with the desire to breathe in once more.

It felt so special to be loved by misfortune.

I walked within despair,

Shattered hearts haunted my dreams.

I didn't want to be a boy without a word to scream.

You didn't want to hear what I had to say.

You wrote it down, said I was just a fool.

You meant to break every piece of my heart.

You wanted to see a boy die without a soul.

You cursed me, "Bad luck is your love.

Wherever you go, lovers will fall."

Red lips, black eyes, you're the shadow of my ghost.

The heart that haunts me after I am gone.

What did I do, What did I do?

Curtains never covered what we did in that room.

Why would you lie, why would you say.

Our love was more than real.

I was a boy who couldn't scream.

I meant to say, I wanted to say.

But it was too late.

You cursed me, bad luck is for a boy who couldn't scream.

Love was all you wanted, something I could've given.

All I had to do.. Was simple shout,

"I love you"

But wherever I go, love just seems to end.

And you were just another misfortune.

Now! I remember writing this one because I push my luck A lOT. Also because if you ever have to say something.. Scream it boy! Don't be boy who can't scream.. I Think I have a moral in this thing. Wow? Isn't that amazing? Haha. But yeah.. Enjoy people!